Question
Aktualisiert am
13 Feb 2019
- Koreanisch
-
Englisch (US)
Frage über Englisch (US)
Colleges and university should be the place where students could develop their responsibility for their lives. In this vein, I do disagree with the statement that colleges and universities should specify all required courses and eliminate elective courses in order to provide guidance for students. This is because college students do not prefer to follow directions, and giving students free of choice for courses could have them develop themselves.
To begin with, I do not agree with the reason and argue that college and university students prefer to making their decisions by themselves than to follow directions. College students and university students had gone through the rigid rule in the high school, and thus must be sick of following directions instead of making their decisions. Of course, some opponents would argue that as they would be accustomed to following directions, they would also like to follow the guidance in the university or college. However, even if some students prefer to follow direction than to make decisions by themselves, the college and universities should have them make their decision on their own as such a capability is really essential for them to live the world. For instance, there is a well-known theory, responsible mindset theory, in sociology. The theory argues that responsibility can be raised by practicing making a decision by themselves and the capability of making a decision is very important to succeed. This is because no one can succeed and live their life successfully just by following the guidance. Grounded the example, I believe that students do not prefer to follow the directions and even if they prefer it, the university should have them make their decisions by themselves in order to raise their responsibility.
Secondly, going further from the previous argument, I believe that letting students take a lot of elective courses is the best way to develop students mentally and intellectually. By taking elective courses, students could not only find their interests and talent but also improve their responsibility for their lives. On the process, their potential can be bloomed. Some opponents could argue that without some guidance, students would be distracted and wandering. To some extent, I admit their argument. However, if there is some, not much, guidance, students would not be distracted and detect their interest and talent and, by extension, raise the capability to bloom their potential. For instance, at the Seoul National University, the best university in South Korea, has some rules for students to should take more than 150 credits of elective courses. It aims at improving student’s capability to make decisions on their own, and additionally make the chance to find their interests and talent. owing to these kinds of rules, the Seoul National university annually has produced outstanding individuals.
In a nutshell, I do disagree with the statement based on the following reasons: college and university students do not prefer to follow directions, and providing students free of choice for courses could let them develop themselves significantly. By letting students select courses by themselves, colleges and university could be the place where students could improve their ability to live in the world on their own.
klingt das natürlich?
Colleges and university should be the place where students could develop their responsibility for their lives. In this vein, I do disagree with the statement that colleges and universities should specify all required courses and eliminate elective courses in order to provide guidance for students. This is because college students do not prefer to follow directions, and giving students free of choice for courses could have them develop themselves.
To begin with, I do not agree with the reason and argue that college and university students prefer to making their decisions by themselves than to follow directions. College students and university students had gone through the rigid rule in the high school, and thus must be sick of following directions instead of making their decisions. Of course, some opponents would argue that as they would be accustomed to following directions, they would also like to follow the guidance in the university or college. However, even if some students prefer to follow direction than to make decisions by themselves, the college and universities should have them make their decision on their own as such a capability is really essential for them to live the world. For instance, there is a well-known theory, responsible mindset theory, in sociology. The theory argues that responsibility can be raised by practicing making a decision by themselves and the capability of making a decision is very important to succeed. This is because no one can succeed and live their life successfully just by following the guidance. Grounded the example, I believe that students do not prefer to follow the directions and even if they prefer it, the university should have them make their decisions by themselves in order to raise their responsibility.
Secondly, going further from the previous argument, I believe that letting students take a lot of elective courses is the best way to develop students mentally and intellectually. By taking elective courses, students could not only find their interests and talent but also improve their responsibility for their lives. On the process, their potential can be bloomed. Some opponents could argue that without some guidance, students would be distracted and wandering. To some extent, I admit their argument. However, if there is some, not much, guidance, students would not be distracted and detect their interest and talent and, by extension, raise the capability to bloom their potential. For instance, at the Seoul National University, the best university in South Korea, has some rules for students to should take more than 150 credits of elective courses. It aims at improving student’s capability to make decisions on their own, and additionally make the chance to find their interests and talent. owing to these kinds of rules, the Seoul National university annually has produced outstanding individuals.
In a nutshell, I do disagree with the statement based on the following reasons: college and university students do not prefer to follow directions, and providing students free of choice for courses could let them develop themselves significantly. By letting students select courses by themselves, colleges and university could be the place where students could improve their ability to live in the world on their own.
klingt das natürlich?
To begin with, I do not agree with the reason and argue that college and university students prefer to making their decisions by themselves than to follow directions. College students and university students had gone through the rigid rule in the high school, and thus must be sick of following directions instead of making their decisions. Of course, some opponents would argue that as they would be accustomed to following directions, they would also like to follow the guidance in the university or college. However, even if some students prefer to follow direction than to make decisions by themselves, the college and universities should have them make their decision on their own as such a capability is really essential for them to live the world. For instance, there is a well-known theory, responsible mindset theory, in sociology. The theory argues that responsibility can be raised by practicing making a decision by themselves and the capability of making a decision is very important to succeed. This is because no one can succeed and live their life successfully just by following the guidance. Grounded the example, I believe that students do not prefer to follow the directions and even if they prefer it, the university should have them make their decisions by themselves in order to raise their responsibility.
Secondly, going further from the previous argument, I believe that letting students take a lot of elective courses is the best way to develop students mentally and intellectually. By taking elective courses, students could not only find their interests and talent but also improve their responsibility for their lives. On the process, their potential can be bloomed. Some opponents could argue that without some guidance, students would be distracted and wandering. To some extent, I admit their argument. However, if there is some, not much, guidance, students would not be distracted and detect their interest and talent and, by extension, raise the capability to bloom their potential. For instance, at the Seoul National University, the best university in South Korea, has some rules for students to should take more than 150 credits of elective courses. It aims at improving student’s capability to make decisions on their own, and additionally make the chance to find their interests and talent. owing to these kinds of rules, the Seoul National university annually has produced outstanding individuals.
In a nutshell, I do disagree with the statement based on the following reasons: college and university students do not prefer to follow directions, and providing students free of choice for courses could let them develop themselves significantly. By letting students select courses by themselves, colleges and university could be the place where students could improve their ability to live in the world on their own.
klingt das natürlich?
I wrote some essay. if you don't mind, please correct my writings. I want to write naturally, but it is very difficult for me as I am not a native speaker of English
Antworten
13 Feb 2019
Favorisierte Antwort
- Englisch (US)
Etwas unnatürlich
‘To begin with, I do not agree with the reason and argue that college and university students prefer to make their own decisions than to follow directions.’
*This part is unnecessary, you repeat the exact same thing as your previous paragraph. You should delete this. The GRE writing test, like any other standardized test, is looking for concise writing that gets your message across.
College students and university students have to abide by rigid rules in high school and thus must be tired of following directions rather than making their own decisions.
*Commas are only used with two independent clauses. The previous sentence does not need one. Also there shouldn’t be an article in front of ‘high school’.
Of course, supporters would argue that since students are accustomed to following directions, they are also be willing to follow the guidance of the university or college. However, even if some students prefer to follow direction, college and universities should allow them make their decision on their own as such a capability is really essential for them to live the world.
* Everything in the past few sentences are very repetitive. Often there is a misconception that more words = better writing, but it’s not true!
*Colleges and universities are analogous so you don’t need to keep saying both; just using one is fine!
For instance, there is a well-known theory called the responsible mindset theory in sociology. This theory argues that responsibility can be raised by practicing decision making by individuals themselves and the capability of making a decision is important to succeed.
*In formal writing you want to avoid intensifiers such as very and really!
This is because no one can succeed and live their life successfully just by following guidance.
Grounded the example (I’ve never heard this before? Would ‘Given this example’ be better?)
I believe that students do not prefer to follow the directions and even if they prefer it, the university should have them make their decisions by themselves in order to raise their responsibility.
*Again, this is repetitive. By providing the example of the theory, you are implying that you think the university should allow more freedom for students. This isn’t necessary until you’ve made all you points at the end.
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- Englisch (US)
Etwas unnatürlich
Colleges and universities should be places where students can develop a sense of responsibility. In this light, I disagree with the statement that colleges and universities should specify all required courses and eliminate electives in order to provide guidance for students. College students prefer independence, and giving students the freedom of choice for courses can help them develop themselves.
*Remember plurality agreements for nouns and verbs, especially in the first sentence.
‘Prefer not to follow directions’ This isn’t really the message you’re going for. It implies that students are maybe disobedient rather than wanting to have freedom.
Can you tell me what your writing is for? Is this informal or formal writing?
I’ll look at the other paragraphs soon!
War diese Antwort hilfreich?
- Koreanisch
@crystalcli2015 Thanks for answering. Actually, this writing is for GRE writing test as I am preparing to enter Graduate School in the USA.
- Englisch (US)
Etwas unnatürlich
‘To begin with, I do not agree with the reason and argue that college and university students prefer to make their own decisions than to follow directions.’
*This part is unnecessary, you repeat the exact same thing as your previous paragraph. You should delete this. The GRE writing test, like any other standardized test, is looking for concise writing that gets your message across.
College students and university students have to abide by rigid rules in high school and thus must be tired of following directions rather than making their own decisions.
*Commas are only used with two independent clauses. The previous sentence does not need one. Also there shouldn’t be an article in front of ‘high school’.
Of course, supporters would argue that since students are accustomed to following directions, they are also be willing to follow the guidance of the university or college. However, even if some students prefer to follow direction, college and universities should allow them make their decision on their own as such a capability is really essential for them to live the world.
* Everything in the past few sentences are very repetitive. Often there is a misconception that more words = better writing, but it’s not true!
*Colleges and universities are analogous so you don’t need to keep saying both; just using one is fine!
For instance, there is a well-known theory called the responsible mindset theory in sociology. This theory argues that responsibility can be raised by practicing decision making by individuals themselves and the capability of making a decision is important to succeed.
*In formal writing you want to avoid intensifiers such as very and really!
This is because no one can succeed and live their life successfully just by following guidance.
Grounded the example (I’ve never heard this before? Would ‘Given this example’ be better?)
I believe that students do not prefer to follow the directions and even if they prefer it, the university should have them make their decisions by themselves in order to raise their responsibility.
*Again, this is repetitive. By providing the example of the theory, you are implying that you think the university should allow more freedom for students. This isn’t necessary until you’ve made all you points at the end.
War diese Antwort hilfreich?
- Englisch (US)
Etwas unnatürlich
Secondly, letting students take elective courses is the best way to develop students mentally and intellectually. By taking elective courses, students not only find their interests and talents but also improve their responsibility for their lives.
* Transitions should be simple! Take out ‘I believe’ since this is an argumentative essay you need to be more assertive.
In the process, their potential can bloom. Supporters argue that without some guidance, students will be distracted and wandering.
* Supporters rather than opponents since you as the writer are a critic of the original statement. Try not to use past tense (will instead of would, can instead of could)
To some extent, I admit their argument.
*Ehh
However, if there is some, not much, guidance, students would not be distracted and detect their interest and talent and, by extension, raise the capability to bloom their potential.
* Very confusing.. too complex of a sentence. Either separate it into multiple sentences or simplify.
For instance, at the Seoul National University, the top university in South Korea, it is suggested that students to should take more than 150 credits in electives. Abiding by these types of rules, Seoul National University annually has produced outstanding and self-sufficient individuals.
*There is only one ‘SNU’, so there is not need to put ‘the’ in front.
War diese Antwort hilfreich?
- Koreanisch
@crystalcli2015 Really Thank you. I haven't known that my writing is too repetitive before your correction. I will try to write more concisely.
- Englisch (US)
Etwas unnatürlich
By giving students the ability to choose the course they want to take, colleges and universities will be the place where students improve their ability to live as self-sustaining individuals.
*Both sentences are redundant. Just conclude with a single sentence.
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- Englisch (US)
Etwas unnatürlich
@JeonghoChoi
My thoughts:
This is impressive for someone who knows English as a second language!
Basically, like I said multiple times, get your point or main idea across in a sentence or two and everything else should be about the details rather that restating the same thing over and over. This way if someone picks up your writing and only reads one sentence, they will be able to tell exactly what your essay is about!
As for variety, use a thesaurus.
Again, this is amazing already, and you get better and better as you keep writing.
I hope you do well on your GRE and get into the school you want to get into!
War diese Antwort hilfreich?
- Koreanisch
@crystalcli2015 Also, I would write the essay daily on this website. If you don't mind, rate my writing often, please.
- Englisch (US)
- Koreanisch
@crystalcli2015 Thank you:)
- Koreanisch
@crystalcli2015 I write a new essay. If you ok, please read it.
https://hinative.com/ko/questions/12299080
https://hinative.com/ko/questions/12299080
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